Remembering Chandler

I am what they call a mood writer. What this means is I write when I’m in the mood, or in the right mindset. I can’t sit down and force myself to be creative. I have to be in the mood for it.

Now, I could sit down and write an academic paper or something for work any time I need to. That's a different kind of writing.

But when it comes to something creative, like blog-writing or working on my book or whatnot, something that needs a touch of inspiration… I need to be in the correct mood for that. This is why I may write three blogs in a row and then nothing for a week.

I read a quote by Dakota Robertson the other day that said, "If you are overthinking, write. If you are underthinking, read." I find that to be true. Because in between, when I’m not writing, I’m most likely reading.

It used to be I would read just about anything, I wasn't picky, but lately I’ve become somewhat selective about what I read. I like romantic comedies and historical fiction and women’s fiction. I try to intersperse my novel-reading with more serious nonfiction books. I like to read books about theology and apologetics and Christian history, or, because of my work, I also read books about trauma and healing and resiliency.

I would love to say I read more nonfiction than fiction but that wouldn't be the truth. I probably read one nonfiction to every at least five fiction books. Sometimes it’s more like one to ten. On average, altogether, I read 3-4 books a week, 10-15 a month. More than some, less than others. Personally, I believe every good writer must also be an avid reader.

This past week, I read Matthew Perry’s memoir, "Friends, Lovers, and the Big, Terrible Thing". Some of you may know that Matthew Perry passed away quite suddenly in the end of October. Though I never met him, as my favorite character on one of my all-time favorite shows, the show I rewatch over and over again when I need comfort, I felt as though I knew him. Therefore, I grieved perhaps an unreasonable amount over his death.

I've read online that Matthew Perry didn't want to be remembered for "FRIENDS". He certainly didn't want to be remembered for his struggles with addiction. He wanted to be remembered for being a good person and for helping others. 

I had wanted to read his memoir since it came out last year but hadn't gotten around to it. His death certainly pushed it up my TBR (and apparently for others too, as it hit number one on Amazon's bestseller list in November). I found a large print copy at the library (because I need large print now) and read it in a single day.

The first thing that struck me about the book was how very serious it was. Matthew Perry is known for his comedy. He did serious, dramatic movies, too, but his most famous roles were funny. The book is not full of jokes or humor. It's a memoir of his life and all the struggles he went through - and there were many! From childhood abandonment and emotional neglect to lifelong struggles with alcohol and drugs to failed relationships ... this was a very unhappy man.

It broke my heart a little, even though I was expecting it. 

What I appreciated about the book was seeing into the mind of an addict. Gabor Mate writes a book on addiction, called "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts". While it's a good book, albeit a little dry, for clinicians working with substance using clients, it's too scientific and technical for the common day reader. This book, while not meant as a guide to addiction, I think would actually be helpful for family and friends of addicts to understand what their experience is like. 

I saw an interview with Perry where he said the first drink, the first drug, was the only one he had control over. After that, the drink or drugs had control over him. Those who have never struggled with addiction will not understand, but reading this book would be a good start.

There's a thread through Perry's book though which surprised me. It's a thread concerning God.

According to his own words, Perry believed in God. He even had an experience of God which helped him address his deeply rooted beliefs of not being good enough or worthy of love and attention. 

He doesn't talk about Jesus, or about a conversion experience, or about attending a church of any kind. But he gave credit to God for saving his life - repeatedly. He believed he was saved for a purpose. Over the last two years he's been clean and helping others who struggle with addiction get clean, too. He wanted to leave a legacy.

Though there's been no official report as to the cause of death released yet, I suspect his body merely gave out. Years of alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs will do that. It's sad it happened when he was pulling his life together.

Matthew Perry had it all - fame, fortune (an estimated $120 million at the time of his death, with royalties still coming in), a home with an ocean view, multiple Emmy nominations and other recognitions, a published book, plenty of material possessions. And yet, he still wasn't happy. For the majority of his life, he still wasn't able to maintain his sobriety for more than a year or two at most.

Frequently in the book he says he would have traded all of it, all of it, for a regular life with a boring 9-5, a mortgage, and no one knowing his name, if he could have lived without his struggles.

As I'm writing this, I'm remembering a friend of mine who went through my church's School of Ministry program with me some years back. I remember one night when he shared his testimony. He shared how he had been abandoned by his father at an early age - much like Matthew Perry. How he felt angry and forgotten and unloved - much like Perry. How early on he got involved in drugs and alcohol - again, much like Perry. He didn't grow up in a rich family, though, or have many opportunities, so he ended up in a gang. He dropped out of school, participated in delinquent and illegal acts, and eventually got caught and went to jail. In a jail cell as a young man, he realized the error of his ways and called out to Jesus.

And Jesus answered in a powerful way.

When he left jail, he was a changed man. He walked away from all of it - the drugs, the alcohol, the gang, even his neighborhood. He went to church every chance he had. He began night classes. He got a job. He turned his whole life around.

That's what Jesus does. He changes people. 

We focus so much on trying to get the rest of society to look like us (though even we often don't get it right), when all we need to do is show them Jesus and let Jesus do the work. 

I don't have any profound truths or insights to share here; I'm merely processing what I read. I truly hope Matthew Perry found peace in his death. I hope he's finally free from the addictions and mental health demons that plagued him nearly his whole life. I hope he's with God.

Only God knows the answer to that.

I hope his book, his legacy, live on and live forward and help others who are struggling.

And I hope hearing his story helps us have compassion on those who haven't found their healing yet. May we be agents of change and instruments of hope in bringing people to the One who can heal.