New Year Reflections

My birthday is right after New Year's. It's within two weeks of Christmas. I hated that as a kid - inevitably I would receive one gift from relatives for "both Christmas and my birthday" whereas my siblings, whose birthdays are farther out, would get two gifts. And, it always seemed to me like money was tight after Christmas so there wasn't much left for a birthday celebration or gifts for me, in contrast to them...

Definitely didn't help my middle child syndrome.

As an adult who's less worried about attention and gifts, I find that having my birthday at the beginning of the year is often a cause for reflection. Many people take the New Year time to self-reflect anyway, and I have an extra reason to do so.

This year, as we begin 2024, I find myself contemplating the many lives I have led. It seems the me at 13 was entirely different from the me at 23, and the me at 23 was entirely different from the me at 33. I imagine the me at 43 will be even more different.

I have done many things. Been many places. Met many people.

I have regrets. Regrets of choices I made, opportunities I let pass, fears I let hold me back. There are things that if I had the chance to go back and do differently, I would. Of course, I would have to go back with all the knowledge and foresight I have now - knowledge and foresight I would not have gained if I had not made those past mistakes.

All the choices I have made, whether right or wrong, smart or stupid, have led me to where I am today. I have gone through extremely dark and difficult times, but I have also experienced joy and love and happiness. I survived a worldwide pandemic and being cooped up with my two littles on my own. I traveled to other parts of the world. I helped people in crisis. I loved. I lived.

I am a work in progress. I think I'm on the right track now but... it could change again. The me in ten years may look back and shake her head at the me now, marveling at all I still don't understand. But I feel hopeful. Hopeful for what this year will bring, what the next five years will bring, what is coming.

I know it won't always be easy. 

I know I'll get discouraged along the way.

But I can feel it. The light at the end of the tunnel. The promised land at the end of the wilderness.

Spring is coming.

Part of my job is to oversee our college aged interns. I volunteered for this role after the previous supervisor left. I have always loved working with young people. I love their youth and optimism, and how the world is so full of opportunity and their futures are so bright.

We've had many different types of interns. Some focused and dedicated, hard-working and with great initiative. Others timid, unsure of themselves, and who need a great deal more handholding and assurance.

I sit with each of them and I ask them about their studies and their goals. I ask them what they want to learn and how they hope to grow during their internship. 

Sometimes they know what they want to do after school. They have a career path already lined up.

Sometimes they don't. They picked their major on a whim and they like it, but aren't sure where to go from there.

I tell them it's okay. I tell them now is the time - now when they are young and unattached with spouses and children, now when they have energy and parental support and all the resources of a student - now is the time to experiment. To try things out. Volunteer at different types of places. Work with different types of people. See what feels right.

And if later they change their minds or decide something is not for them, that's okay, too.

Because they don't have to do the same thing forever.

Life is short but it's also long. I've been a childcare worker, a Peace Corps volunteer, a case worker, a therapist, a teacher, a church staff member, a volunteer coordinator, a trainer... and I'm going to be a pastor. 

Who they are now may not be who they are in ten years. There's time to figure things out.

It occurs to me that more important than deciding on a career is deciding on who we are as individuals. Who am I as a person? Who do I want to be?

I forget who said, "Be today who you want to be tomorrow." 

If I want to be a generous person, I can start by being generous today.

If I want to be a loving person, I can start by being loving today.

If I want to be devoted to God, I can start by being devoted today.

We are shaped by our experiences but more so we are shaped by our responses to our experiences. We are influenced by our environments and our upbringing, but ultimately, we can decide the person we want to be.

Somehow, that seems so much more important than what we do to earn a paycheck.

Therefore, as I march into 2024 with my head held high, my shoulders back, ready to face whatever challenges come my way, I am determined to grow more like Christ. To seek to be more like Him, to follow His purposes for me, and to love others as He did. After all, as Maya Angelou has said, "When you know better, you do better."

And I want to do better. I want to be better. 

May I be today, who I want to be tomorrow.