Spare the Child

Here’s my unpopular take for the day: it has to do with spanking.

Spanking is a very common among Christian parents. Groups like Focus on the Family have, for decades, made it sound like you’re a bad parent and possibly even a bad Christian if you don’t physically discipline your children. There are many Christian authors and pastors who have taken up this stance, asserting that it’s about establishing your authority as a parent, much like we are under the authority of Christ.

I have mentioned several times before that I work in the field of trauma. Perhaps that is why my take on the spanking issue is completely different. Hear me out.

In my work, we speak a lot about something called Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs. The original ACEs study was conducted in the 1990s by a joint cooperation of the CDC and Kaiser Permanente in California. According to the study, individuals who experience trauma in their childhood, such as physical abuse, are more likely to struggle with a multitude of difficulties later, such as teenage pregnancy, delinquent behavior, mental health issues, substance abuse disorders, and even an array of physical health issues, such as high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, and immunological disorders. What the study found is that abuse and other childhood traumas affect children’s developing brains and nervous systems. It changes how they’re wired and the very chemistry of their body. Those changes don’t go away on their own. Without any kind of intervention or support, they carry on into adulthood. In extreme cases, they can even lower one's life expectancy by 20 years.

So... what does this have to do with spanking? Because spanking is not abuse, right?

It is true that spanking is currently legal in all 50 states. There is a line, however. Spanking is defined as a flat, open hand on the buttocks. If it leaves marks, bruises, or long-lasting pain with sitting or walking, it crosses the line from legally-allowed spanking to physical abuse. Paddling, another common practice, is a grey area as it can be labelled as spanking. However, paddling is more likely to leave marks and longer-lasting pain, which could then be classified as abuse.

Here’s the interesting thing about spanking. There was another study done that looked at kids who hadn’t been physically abused or paddled, but were spanked only with no marks left behind. They found that in these kids who experienced spanking, two out of three seemed to grow up okay. However, one out of three had the same types of negative outcomes and risks as the kids who were physically abused. All those risks I mentioned above that were true of children who had experienced ACEs were also true of one out of three kids who were spanked only.

One out of three. That’s the same risk of getting cancer if you’re a smoker. It’s a risk that’s way too high for me.

There’s another hazard of spanking, though, that the study did not consider.

Let’s think about what spanking teaches a child. The parent says to the child, You are not allowed to hit your sister! And hits their behind. What does that say? Apparently, hitting is not okay… except in some circumstances. What are those circumstances? A parent to a child? Possibly. But I think what it really teaches a child is that if you are in a position of authority and you are bigger and stronger than the other person, then hitting is allowed.

How might that translate into a youth or an adult? Well, for boys, they are often taught in the Church that they are supposed to be an authority over their partner (read on and you'll see I don't agree with this, but it is commonly taught). And their partner is most likely smaller than they are. So now, by this logic, they are in authority and they’re bigger and stronger, so therefore, hitting is allowed, right? Might that explain why we have a huge domestic violence problem in our churches? And of course, we see hitting repeating and cycling through families. Meaning, if you were spanked, you are more likely to spank your kids, but you’re also more likely to abuse your kids.

Now I’m not saying that people are consciously thinking, I have to establish my authority by hitting. Though I do believe that is what Focus on the Family has taught. I think the belief is ingrained in there, unconsciously, that this is just what you do.

No doubt someone is going to read this and they’re going to object, what about spare the rod, spoil the child?

Let's look at the Proverb where that comes from. Proverbs 13:24 reads in the NRSVUE, "Those who spare the rod hate their children, but those who love them are diligent to discipline them."

What is a rod? In that time and context, it was a tool a shepherd used to herd sheep. How did a shepherd use a rod? A rod was used as a weapon to fight off wild animals, yes, but it was rarely if ever raised against the sheep. The rod directed the sheep, steered them, guided them as to where they should go. Shepherds also had a longer staff with a hook on the end, which could be used to grab a sheep as they went astray and bring them back into the flock. Psalms 23:4 says the rod and staff are a comfort. Would a tool used to harm be a comfort? No. But one used to guide would be.

Could it be that this verse has been misinterpreted? Could it be it was never meant to imply we should beat children with sticks, as we used to do, or assert our physical authority through hitting? Perhaps instead, the proverb is suggesting we need to guide our children and teach them in the ways they should go. Perhaps even, through the teaching of the Word of God.

Why are we basing all of our child-rearing policies on one proverb, anyway? On one random verse taken out of context?

What about when Paul says, Fathers, do not exasperate your children (Ephesians 6:4)? In fact, that whole passage from Paul starts with a command to mutually submit to one another. A lot of people ignore that first verse and read this passage as establishing a "God-ordained" family order, but that loses the fact that families already looked like that in Paul's day. Paul wasn’t prescribing what a family should look like, he was describing what they presently looked like. And, he was turning a lot of things on their head!

In that day and time, fathers did have the ultimate authority and were allowed to beat their wives and children and slaves and do truly whatever they wanted with any of them. Paul says no, it shouldn’t be that way. Love each other, mutually submit to one another, care about each other as Christ cares for you. He was telling fathers in particular, who had authority in that culture, to stop treating other people like less than, because all are equal in Christ. We miss that when we look at this passage because we read it with our own patriarchal lenses. Our own Focus on the Family lenses.

Parents, I encourage you to do your own reading on this. To look into other methods of discipline. Read Dr. Ross Greene or Dr. Bruce Perry or Love and Logic. If you have kids, it’s not too late to change.

If your kids are already grown, maybe humble yourself and apologize for where you may have gotten it wrong.

As Maya Angelou famously said, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."

Do better.

Let’s remember that Jesus was the ultimate example of authority. He had authority over heaven and earth and what did he use it for? The cross. We have been called to follow His example of humility and servanthood and love.

Go in love.

WANT TO READ MORE... pick up my newly released book, "Letters to the Jaded Evangelical: Finding Jesus in the Shards of Religion." Available in e-book and paperback format; free to read for Amazon KU subscribers.