Today is Mother's Day.
I have a lot of mixed feelings about Mother's Day.
I have a lot of mixed feelings about being a mom.
In the Peace Corps, they have this unofficial motto about how it's the "hardest job you'll ever love". I think they're wrong. I think that motto applies to motherhood.
Before launching into the why, I want to acknowledge those who struggle on Mother's Day. Those who have lost a child, who struggle to conceive a child, or whose child is out of reach, and so feel grief on this day. Those who have lost their mothers, had difficult relationships with their mothers, or maybe never even knew them, and therefore grieve in a different way. Or maybe those who feel judged because as a woman, society says they should want and have children, and yet, that was never their calling.
I see you. I feel you. I am you.
Growing up, I always assumed I would one day get married and have kids, but after leaving home and going to college, I lost the urge. Kids take up a lot of time and energy and there were so many other things I wanted to be doing. I told my husband-to-be that I didn't want to have kids. He did, but we figured one of us might change our minds at some point, so we got married anyway.
And then, funny enough, we both changed our minds.
Somewhere around twenty-nine, I started having... cravings. I cannot explain it more than a yearning in my womb for a baby. It was physical and emotional and entirely unexpected. It was also right around that time that my husband declared, "I think you were right. It is nice just being you and me. I'm okay if we never have kids." To which I had to say, "Actually..."
We waited until the time was right. Or at least, we thought the time was right. Maybe there never is a "right" time.
Pregnancy was hard. The birth was hard. And then we moved with a three-week-old baby to a new town in another state. My husband worked eighty hours a week while I was stuck at home by myself with no support system and this tiny human who depended solely on me.
It was an incredibly difficult time, to say the least.
Nowadays when I work with moms, I encourage them to build a healthy support system. The whole "it takes a village to raise a child" thing is no joke. We push individualism and independence in this culture, and that makes it extremely hard for moms, especially new moms, to seek help. We all need help sometimes. We need each other.
It's humbling to be a mom. It's overwhelming to be a mom. People say it's like watching a piece of your heart walking around outside your body and I think that's true. I know many people become moms through other means than birthing a child, and not to diminish that experience at all, but for me, that bond started when the baby was growing inside of me. With my oldest, I tickled his feet when they pressed against my skin. I walked him when he was restless inside my belly, and he would settle down. I knew that he was active at night and quiet in the morning.
It makes me think of that verse in Jeremiah, "Before you were formed in the womb, I knew you." I knew him before he was born.
Every hurt he suffers, makes me hurt. Every disappointment, every frustration, every tear, every joy... I feel them all.
Which is why it's so unnerving when he drives me crazy.
I have two now. Two very active boys who are in a love/hate relationship with one another. They either love each other to death and won't leave each others' sides, or they hate each other and fight over everything. There's no in between. I can tell what kind of day it'll be within the first fifteen minutes of them waking up in the morning.
It's exhausting.
I feel like no one prepares you for how hard it is. How you constantly worry if you're doing the right thing or if you're messing them up for life. How you're troubled more about their safety and well-being than you ever were about your own. How you want to soak up every moment of their childhood and at the same time would kill for a day to yourself (or sometimes even an hour).
And then there's the identity crisis.
As a woman, you lose so much of yourself when you become a mother. You're no longer just you anymore. You're someone's mom. Someone's entire world.
Many women leave the workplace, temporarily or permanently, when becoming moms. We sacrifice our careers, our personal goals, our hobbies, our own social circles and relationships, and more, for these tiny human beings who rarely if ever show any gratitude.
It's a rather thankless job overall.
We may have spouses that do not understand what that means because their lives haven't changed as much. They still go to work every day. They get to see and talk to other adults. They still have a career and personal goals and hobbies. It hasn't been as big as a shift for them as it has for us.
We do it because we love our children even more than we love ourselves.
But the cost is high. (Editing to add: Just read a great article about this, find it here.)
I've spoken to many moms about this identity crisis issue. I don't think it's talked about enough, to be honest. My guess is that there are many moms out there who think they are the only ones who feel like part of themselves got lost after having kids.
Which is why things like postpartum "blues", postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety are so very common. As many as 75% will have the postpartum blues (mood swings, anxiety, and difficulties sleeping within the two weeks following the baby's birth), and 1 in 6 women will struggle with longer-lasting depression or anxiety. Those who struggled with their mental health before having kids are even more likely to have these battles.
In a future post, I'll talk about how the Church continues to fail people who struggle with mental illness. In a nutshell, what I've experienced is this: struggles with depression and anxiety are seen as spiritual weakness. People are told to "pray more", read their Bibles, and submit their thoughts to God. Most people would find it ludicrous to tell someone with stage-four cancer that they just need to be a better Christian and it will go away, but this is what we do to people with mental illness all the time. We stigmatize them, sometimes to the point of pushing them out of our communities.
True, God may sometimes pull a miracle and heal someone overnight from depression, just as sometimes He heals someone miraculously from cancer. But often He doesn't. And telling someone, "I'll pray for you" because it makes us feel better, is not going to do it, either.
Back to motherhood...
For me, regaining the part of myself that I had lost when I became a mom meant going back to work and doing something meaningful. My writing journey has also been a part of finding my voice and reclaiming the me I used to be.
Of course, there is a part of me that has been forever changed because of my two sons and what it means to be their mama. I am growing to appreciate that part of me... and accept it.
The Church can do a lot to support moms. We can start with mom's groups, mom's nights out, and mentorship of older moms for new moms. Churches can also relay a clear message that encourages fathers to be more active in partnering with moms in parenting and caring for their children. So often, churches have the opposite message - that the role at home solely belongs to women. This is harmful to moms, absolutely, but I would argue it also causes harm to dads.
Churches could also offer - without judgement - resources and referrals for mothers who are struggling with depression and/or anxiety. They could even bring in a professional to run a support group, as there are so few support groups out there for postpartum moms.
Most importantly, churches can stop sidelining women for being moms. Provide childcare whenever possible to allow moms to participate in church events and socials. Allow moms to serve in the church, even in church leadership. Allow them the opportunity to shine for something other than being someone else's mother. Give them opportunities to use the God-given gifts and talents they have. Those things didn't just disappear when they gave birth.
In conclusion, this Mother's Day, be kind to women everywhere, because you don't know their struggles or what they go through. And maybe, let's use this day as a reminder to not only take care of moms one day a year, but every day.
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