Poisonous Unforgiveness

Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

When I first heard these words, I thought about a workshop I went to many years before by a professor from Stanford. He shared about multiple studies that have been conducted on unforgiveness. According to the research, people who harbor unforgiveness have higher blood pressure, are at greater risk of heart attacks and strokes, are less likely to recover from disease, and, all in all, have shorter lifespans than those who do not. 

Unforgiveness is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Still, forgiveness, especially extending forgiveness to those who have hurt us or wronged us, is not always easy to do.

Jesus had a lot to say about forgiveness. Even to the extent of saying that if we don’t forgive others, we ourselves will not be forgiven (Matthew 6:14-15).

Those are pretty harsh words, especially coming from Jesus, who we see repeatedly freely forgiving anyone who asked for it (and sometimes, those who did not).

He told a parable along these same lines which is recorded in Matthew 18. We call it "The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant". According to the parable, a servant owed a fortune to the king. Punishment for not paying back the fortune was imprisonment for him and his entire family, where they would "work" off the debt until paid. Considering how much he owed, this would have been a life sentence.

But the king had mercy on him and forgave his debt.

The servant then went out and found a man who owed him only a small, insignificant amount of money. When the other man couldn't pay, the servant had him thrown in prison to "work" off his debt.

The king found out and was incensed at the servant's actions. The king demanded, "Shouldn't you have had mercy, just as I had mercy on you?" The servant's whole debt was restored, and he was thrown into prison. 

Clearly, there's a metaphor here. The parable describes the words Jesus made clear in Matthew 6. If we do not forgive, we are not forgiven.

Why does our forgiveness of one another matter so much to God?

In a previous post, I wrote about how God's love for us should overflow into how we love others.

Perhaps, likewise, God's mercy and forgiveness for us should overflow into how we forgive others.

After all, if the servant had truly understood the depth of the king's forgiveness of his great debt, would that not have inspired him to forgive a small debt? It is almost as though the servant felt entitled to the forgiveness of his debt. (Much like we often feel entitled, even to the point of getting angry at God for not giving us what we've asked for.) As though he felt himself more deserving of that forgiveness than the other man, even though he owed so much more.

Maybe then, one reason why God cares so much about forgiveness is because it's humbling.

Humility is defined not as thinking less of oneself, but of thinking of one's self less.

By forgiving, we are letting go of our right to resentment or vengeance, regardless of whether or not the person we are forgiving deserves it.

We are undeserving of God's forgiveness. Yet He gives it freely.

We are called to do likewise.

Another reason why God might care about forgiveness, is for our witness.

The Bible says they shall know we are Christians by our love (John 13:35). The Bible tells us to "love mercy" (Micah 6:8). This is an active, intentional kind of love. A love that is full of grace, and mercy, and forgiveness. Love that doesn't require people to be deserving of it. 

I read about a murder trial one time of a man who had killed a young boy. The boy's parents stood in the courtroom at his sentencing and told him that through the power of God, they forgave him, and they hoped that he would come to know God.

What an incredibly powerful testimony that is. Not only to him, but to his family, everyone else in the courtroom, and indeed everyone who heard the story.

Only through God's strength can we forgive that big.

We often walk around as Christians with our chins up and think somehow that judging people and their lifestyles is going to bring them to Christ. (Newsflash: It doesn’t.)

It’s love - expressed through mercy and forgiveness and humility - that changes lives.

I would be remiss if I didn't pause to mention that I know forgiveness has been misused in many instances to control groups of people or victims. It has been used to trick women into staying in abusive relationships, for example, when  religious leaders may tell women with their black eyes and broken bones to "forgive" and "love" their spouse so he can be saved.

That is NOT what I am speaking on here.

We can love and forgive others, while still having healthy boundaries and safe spaces.

Some people are abusive and toxic and unhealthy. We do not have to be around them or submit to them or maintain relationships with them, even. 

We can hold whatever boundary we need to keep ourselves and our families safe.

Meanwhile, we pray for God to change their hearts. We pray for God to change our hearts and to help us forgive. We do not let hate or resentment poison us.

Jesus knew what it was like to be around toxic people.

The night he was betrayed, He got to his knees and washed the feet of the man who would turn Him over to the authorities. He had already predicted the betrayal. He knew what was coming. And yet, there He is, still washing Judas' feet. Still showing love.

I fully believe that if Judas hadn’t killed himself but had stuck around until after the resurrection and had gone back to Jesus and asked for forgiveness, that Jesus would have forgiven him.

But he didn’t understand. He didn’t understand who Jesus was. Judas wanted an earthly kingdom. He wanted Jesus to overthrow the Romans and that’s not what Jesus was there for. Judas didn’t believe Jesus would be coming back. He thought it was the end and there was no hope left for him. He gave up.

It’s sad when you think about it.

How many other people have given up because they feared they were unforgiveable? Because they thought there was no hope for them?

My dad tells a story of one time when he was in an elevator of a very tall building. Another gentleman in the elevator was going up to the top floor and joked to my dad, "This is the closest to heaven I will ever get." My dad, like the pastor he is, replied, "God is willing to forgive sins."

God is willing to forgive sins. 

And He wants us to forgive the sins of others, too.

For ourselves, because of our relationship with Him, and as a witness to the world.

What unforgiveness have you been holding onto?

How can you release that today?