Saying No

When I was in college, I was on my own for the very first time. Since I didn’t have a lot of freedoms growing up, this sudden shift to being able to decide everything for myself was a little daunting, to say the least.

I attended a conservative Christian school, so some things really were not even options. At least, not that I was aware of.  There wasn’t much underage drinking, for example, and no drug use that I knew of. There were a few people who smoked, but we were a non-smoking campus (thank you, California), so they would do so offsite and out of sight. And we had rules about how often boys and girls could hang out and open-door policies and all of these things that were supposed to protect us from bad choices and keep us "pure". They worked, at least for me.

In other words, there weren’t too many things I could get myself into unless I went looking for trouble. Which I did not, because I was a good girl.

However, there were a lot of other opportunities that came up, and I discovered quickly I had an incredibly hard time saying "no". Especially when it came to service opportunities.  I had a full load of classes and a part-time job as well, and yet, I still found myself accepting a ton of additional responsibilities. Volunteering in my church, volunteering in my friend's church, volunteering at the friend's friend's church. Mentoring an international student. Completing service days on campus, such as campus clean-up or free car washes or going to the local food kitchen. Helping out at a crisis pregnancy center and a youth afterschool program. Talking a friend down off a ledge. Lending another friend money. Providing a listening ear or tutoring assistance to girls in my dorm. 

If somebody needed help, how could I say no?

Eventually, I learned to set better boundaries for myself. While all of the above seemed good on the outside, it was wearing me down. I didn't have enough time to take care of myself, my own spiritual journey, or my own relationships. As I like to say, you can't pour from an empty cup, and my cup was bone dry.

As a sidenote, I do sometimes wonder if all of the serving in the past was me trying to "earn" God's favor. I never felt good enough growing up, and some of that rubbed off on my relationship with God. I felt the need to impress Him, not understanding that He already loves me, just as I am. All my doing wouldn't make Him love me more. And it prevented me, perhaps, for doing the things He actually wanted me to do.

(Doing too much may also prevent someone else from doing their part. If they are the one called to meet that need, but you are overzealously filling all the needs, you've robbed them of the ability to obey and be blessed.)

Over the years, though, I have wondered if I haven’t swung too far in the opposite direction. Do I now say no too often?

I’m not good at on-the-spot decisions, so when I get a request, directly or indirectly, I now take a day or a week even to consider. Because my very first impulse always is, of course I could do that. Even when I really can’t.

An organization I work with is struggling to fill a family support position. I could do that. But, wait, I already have a full-time job.

The immigration office needs interns to help with legal support for their families. I could do that. But, wait, I know nothing about legal stuff, have no experience in that area, and as forementioned, I already have a full-time job.

A community is struggling to find mental health support for their youth. I could do that. But, wait, I gave up direct mental health work, I live an hour and a half away, and I ALREADY HAVE A FULL-TIME JOB.

Our church needs a worship pastor. I could do that. But, wait, I have a mediocre voice and don't play any instruments.

The hospital needs emergency placement for a newborn with drug exposure. I could do that. But, wait, I'm not a licensed foster placement, I have nothing in my home for a baby, and I've been celebrating finally being able to sleep through the night.

And so on and so on. My immediate, knee jerk reaction to every need is to want to fill it. Whether it's realistic or not.

Giving myself time to consider has helped a lot in avoiding spontaneous and bad decisions. But it also sometimes means I forget about the need. Have I forgotten needs I am supposed to fill?

There are things that are doable. Choosing a gift from the giving tree to purchase for a child in need? I could do that. Of course, I already gave to our organization's holiday event, which benefits kids who have experienced trauma, but, I could do one more. Helping family out with an unexpected expense? That's a no-brainer. Serving this Sunday in Children's Ministry because most of the women are gone on retreat? Sure. Contributing to KLOVE's pledge drive? Why not?

There are some requests, though, that are harder. A friend who needs a place to crash, when I am not good at hospitality and having my space invaded. A family I don't know who says they need rental assistance... but what if they're scamming me? The homeless person on the street... what if they use money to buy alcohol or drugs?  The mom who is strung out and needs a break... when I barely get a break myself.

As I've been going through this journey and this blog, encouraging others to live out their faith, I find myself frequently in self-reflection, wondering how I am living out mine. If I'm doing enough. If I am being a good steward of the resources and abilities and talents God has given me. If I have said "no" to too many things, or to things He actually wants me to do.

I pray for me, for you, for us - that God would give us clear guidance as to what is from Him among an ocean of requests that swarm us daily, and that we would have the wisdom and the strength to obey.

After all, as I have said multiple times, we may be the miracle someone else is waiting for.