Where I live in Arizona, the ground is very difficult to work with. It is high in alkaline and low in nutrients, and quite hard to dig into. The native plants of the area grow practically on their own once rooted, well-adjusted to the harsh summers. To get anything other than cacti though to grow here means diligently working the ground: breaking up the hard clay, putting in better soil, adding nutrients, watering. It takes a lot of effort. And since it’s regularly over 100° here, it’s an effort made with a great deal of sweat and tears.
Every year for the past six years or so, I have picked a word to focus on. My word for 2024 was growth. I picked this word because I knew I was starting seminary, and I was hoping that this path would help me to grow more in my relationship with God and my knowledge of where He is leading me. As this year is progressing, however, I feel as though another word is taking shape: healing. This has been a year of healing for me, and I suspect it's not over yet.
It started when a dear friend shared a message from God with me. She said God wanted to do great things in my life, but He couldn’t because there was still a lot of bitterness in my heart. The ground was too hard.
I was initially surprised by this message and unsure if I believed it. I honestly thought I was further along than that in my healing journey. I am definitely not as full of anger as I was even just a little over a year ago when I first started this blog. I went through a couple of rough years, getting hit on all sides, but I thought that by now, I had dealt with most of it. Over the course of the past few months, God has been showing me the areas within me where there is still a lot of hurt and resentment and where I need His hand of healing and transformation. Turns out, she wasn't so wrong after all.
So, I’ve been praying consistently for healing and compassion to fill those parts of my life - to close up those wounds and to prepare me. I'm praying for God to turn this hard clay into good soil where things can be planted and grow and flourish.
It is a lot of effort. It is hard work. It is not without a good deal of sweat and tears. There are a lot of things within me that must be broken down first, in order for things to be able to sprout. I guess you could say the healing is necessary for growth to happen.
I wonder if sometimes we hold on to hurt and resentment because letting it go feels... unfair. As though by letting it go, we're letting those who hurt us off the hook. This is faulty thinking, however, because our hurt and resentment does next to nothing to them. It doesn’t change their lives or affect them or help them to learn or alter their ways. Who it truly affects, is us. The hurt and resentment, anger and bitterness that we hold on to is like poison to us. It harms our hearts, our relationships, our dreams and goals. It can even affect our brains and bodies and literally take years off our lives.
To a Christian, perhaps the greatest harm is what is does to us spiritually. It interrupts our relationship with God, and it prevents us from living the path He has for us.
Out of bad soil, nothing can grow.
The pastor in church today used a powerful metaphor. He said that while it is God who cleanses us, it is our job to not keep running through the mud. We also have a part in giving up that which is holding us back and making us unclean. Walking with Christ involves a cost. Grace is free, but following the narrow road will cost us everything.
I want fruit to grow from my life. I want seeds to sprout and flowers to bloom.
To get there, I have to do my own work. I have to surrender the wounds of my past to my God, the Great Healer, and trust that He has my best at heart and that He knows the path He has for me.
I don't want to merely survive. I want to thrive. I want to thrive in His Spirit. I want to be a real change-maker.
I can't do it on my own. I need Him.
And for Him to work, the soil must be ready.
"Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." - Jesus in John 15:4
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