I’ve been spending a lot of time this past week thinking about something my dear friend and pastor said to me when we had lunch together on Monday. It resonated with me deeply.
A little context might help - she was talking about how if you are going to serve and lead in the church, then the church needs to know you. This was kind of a pointed remark to me because I have this habit of going to church and leaving when it's over without ever talking to a single person. I started this habit at age 18, fresh out of college. Growing up as a pastor's kid, everyone in the church knew who I was and who I belonged to. In college, I liked the anonymity of going to a big church where no one knew my name. Over time, it became habit.
As I got increasingly involved at church, serving in various ministries, I did meet people and make friends there. Sometimes I would run into them on Sundays and we would chat briefly. That was when I discovered I am also nearly deathly allergic to small talk. I am not a small talk person. I'm a big talk person: want to chat about religion or politics or theology or motherhood or your pending mental breakdown - I'm your girl. Shallow 'how are you's' and comments on what you did over the weekend... just seem pointless to me.
When I started at my current church, I didn't know if I was going to stay or not. I had my fill at that point of bad churches, and I was hesitant to commit somewhere, worried about when the other shoe would fall. Of course, at this point, I've been there for a year and a half, so clearly I'm not leaving anytime soon. The pastor was encouraging me that if I want to be more involved, I need to come out of my shell and talk to people.
It made me grimace... because she's right.
As usual.
Anyway, in the midst of this conversation, she said these incredibly wise words, "We should always smell a little bit like incense, and a little bit like sheep."
She didn't give any explanation for this comment, but she really didn't need to. I knew exactly what she meant.
We should smell like incense, because we are spending time in God's presence. We spend time in His Word, in prayer, and in communion with Him.
We should smell like sheep, because we are spending time among the people. We spend time in service, in loving our neighbor, and in fellowship with others.
This comment made me think of something we often talk about in my workplace, which is the concept of proximity. In the field of psychology, there is something called the "proximity principle". It refers to the matter that things which are closer to one another appear more related than things which are farther apart. In practice, the proximity principle means the closer we are to one another, the more we see what we have in common. The more we see each other's humanity.
It has been said that the way to break racist or stereotypical beliefs is through relationships. When someone has proximity with a person they judge or fear or hate, their perception often shifts. Proximity changes us. Proximity helps us to see similarities whereas before we only saw differences. Proximity grows compassion. Proximity helps us realize we are all human beings created by God, worthy of dignity and respect.
This isn't referring to mere physical closeness. A man who physically abuses his wife or a prison guard who celebrates in torturing inmates may have proximity in physical terms, but psychologically and emotionally, they are incredibly distant. Proximity requires an openness to truly seeing someone and their reality. It requires taking another's perspective. It requires empathy.
There was a quote I saw on Facebook recently, attributed to Stan Mitchell, which said, "If you claim to be someone's ally, but aren't getting hit by the stones thrown at them, you aren't standing close enough."
Allyship has a similar concept to the idea of proximity. When you ally with someone, typically someone who is marginalized or lacks social power and privilege, you are using your voice and position to advocate for their position to rise. To do this in a non-savior complex way, you must be close to them. You support who they are, their reality, and their perspective. You show empathy. And it changes you.
Smelling like incense without smelling like sheep can lead to holier-than-thou judgmentalism. Like the Pharisees Jesus encountered. We have to practice what we preach. We have to follow the One whose name we bear. The sheep will not recognize us, nor listen to us, unless we have spent time among them in proximity and allyship.
Smelling like sheep without smelling like incense can lead to looking exactly like the world. Paul warns in Romans 12:2, "Do not conform to the patterns of this world..." Why would anyone want what we have, if we have nothing different than they do? I have heard many sermons on how sheep are not actually very smart. They need a shepherd, not another sheep. Otherwise, it's like the blind leading the blind.
We must always smell a little like incense, and a little like sheep.
So, how about you? Take a good whiff of yourself. Do you smell like incense? Do you smell like sheep?
If not, perhaps there are some shifts you need to make, too.
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