If you have been reading this blog for any amount of time, you have certainly heard me talking about how I was hurt by the church and my church family a few years ago. When I think about it now, it still stirs up some feelings, but not as much as before. I feel as though the wound is healing over.
I have prayed about it a lot, praying that God would help me to forgive, to let go of my anger, and to grow from here. I feel as though God's been working in me. It’s all a journey, right? It’s not something that happens overnight.
Well, recently at my new church, I met a person I thought I really hit it off with. I thought we were going to be friends. I am so desperate for friends, especially Christian friends, that I may have come on a little too strong. Or maybe they’re just super busy, or maybe the feelings of friendship were one-sided. Sadly, as it turns out, they kind of ghosted me. They’re still friendly when I see them in church, but they have been ignoring my messages and suggestions about hanging out again.
It hurts. I feel rejected. However, I still really love this church. I feel God's presence there on the regular. My kids love it - which is no small thing. And the messages, although not in my perhaps preferred preaching style, generally speak to me. In fact, the messages have coincided so often with things I have written about on this blog that a few times I questioned if they were reading it! I think, rather, it means that the way God is speaking to me is similar to how He is speaking to them. Or, God is speaking to me and affirming what He’s saying through them.
In other words, I don’t plan on leaving. It's not at all similar to what happened before. Besides, we visited at least 20 different churches before we found this one and I do not want to start the search over again. There’s no reason to do that.
It almost feels like a test. A test to see if I am truly going to stick it out. The only way I can see to push forward, is to forgive.
Forgiveness is such an interesting thing. Last time I wrote about forgiveness, I quoted this: not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Unforgiveness hurts us. Actual research studies have been done on this, which have shown that people who harbor unforgiveness and resentment have higher levels of stress, higher levels of heart disease and strokes, and even a shorter lifespan! Unforgiveness is poison.
Generally, the objection you hear about forgiving others is that the other person doesn’t deserve our forgiveness. When you have been seriously harmed by someone else, it may be true that they don’t deserve your forgiveness. Many times, they do not even ask for it! However, you deserve it. If you harbor unforgiveness, you are allowing that person to continue to control and harm you, possibly even to an early grave. Why give them that power?
Jesus spoke about forgiveness quite a few times. He told us to forgive those who have sinned against us, just as He has forgiven us. He even said if we do not forgive others, God the Father will not forgive us either. That's rather harsh! Is forgiveness truly that important?
I think it is, but not for the sake of those who have harmed us. Rather, for our own sakes.
The other reason why I think we hesitate to forgive is actually a misconception about forgiveness. People believe that forgiving means reconciliation. In other words, if I forgive them, then I have to be in relationship with them again. No. Incorrect. If they are a dangerous person, hazardous to your mental or physical health and well-being, by no means do you need to be in relationship with them.
Forgiveness means letting go. Letting go of the hold they have on you. Letting go of the pursuit of revenge. Letting go of the bitterness and the resentment.
Forgiveness doesn't mean erasing boundaries. We should hold our boundaries to protect ourselves and our families. Forgiveness doesn't mean we have to trust them again.
Forgiveness means allowing yourself to heal.
If you suffer a great wound, but do not treat it, it will fester and get infected and can even kill you, even if the initial wound was not fatal.
Unforgiveness is like that. It festers and gets infected and can kill you.
If we find a way to forgive, we can find a way to heal. The wound can turn into a scar which will gradually fade over time.
How do we do that? How do we heal, close the wound, move forward?
First, I believe we must decide to forgive. Similar to how they say love is a choice rather than a feeling, forgiveness likewise is a choice we make. We make this choice because of our own journey, not necessarily theirs. We make this choice to be obedient to God, who has forgiven us. We make this choice to be able to experience true healing. When we feel the pain or anger or bitterness or resentment boil up, we close our eyes, take a few deep breaths, and remind ourselves, I am choosing to forgive. I am choosing to heal.
Prayer is an essential piece of being able to forgive. God's grace and strength are necessary because forgiveness is not easy. God, help me to forgive them for the harm they caused. Help me to heal from this wound. Help me to put aside anger. May You grant me grace towards them, just as you have extended Your grace towards me.
An even harder task?
Pray for them, too.
It is hard to stay angry at someone you are praying for. And, we know that the old adage, hurt people hurt people, is true. About 90% of felons who commit violent crimes were once victims. On a smaller scale, we often pass along the hurt we ourselves received. Praying for someone helps generate empathy for them. Pray they come to know Jesus, if they do not. Pray they find their own healing. Pray they stop hurting people.
Do they deserve it? Maybe not. But honestly, neither do we. We don’t deserve God’s love and forgiveness either, but He gives it to us. And out of that same grace, we can extend it to others. Perhaps those prayers will impact their lives in a way we could never have anticipated.
Let me interrupt myself here to speak to those of you who need to forgive someone super-important. Yourself. So many of us harbor anger and resentment towards ourselves for bad decisions we have made. Or, we are angry and resentful towards ourselves for bad decisions others made that somehow we feel responsible for! We blame ourselves for things which may or may not actually be our fault. We beat ourselves up for these things on the daily.
Brother and sister, it is time to let those things go. If Jesus can forgive them, shouldn't we also? Do not let your regrets from the past keep you from the promise of the future.
When I drive by my church every day on my way to work, I pray for the church. I pray for the leadership, that God's direction would be clear and that they would have strength and health. I pray for the church's growth. And I pray for the person who left me feeling rejected. And it’s helping. A lot. It means I can still go in there every week with a true smile on my face.
After all, I don’t want to live a life of anger and bitterness. I want to live a life of joy and peace.
Don’t you?
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