The Bear

There's a new viral post hopping around social media right now. The post asks women, if you were lost in the woods, would you rather encounter a bear or a man? There are even a few variations of this post which ask men which would they rather their daughter encounter in the woods?

The majority of responses are... we would rather take our chances with the bear. Women would rather take their chances with a wild animal than an unknown man. Even fathers hesitate over this one. They ask, "Well, who's the man, though?" Because they well know not all men are safe. If you ask the converse, what about a bear or a woman, however, the answer is immediate: the woman.

Reminds me of another viral post some years ago. In that one, it asked women, if men had a strictly enforced 8pm curfew, what would you do? The responses were very telling. "When I went to the bar, I wouldn’t worry about leaving my drink unattended while I went to go dance." "I wouldn’t hold my keys in a death grip as a potential weapon as I walked to my car in the parking lot." "I would dress however I wanted to." The idea of men not being around freed women to feel safe.

How did we get to this point? How did we get to a point where half of our country's population is scared of the other half? Or if not scared, then wary.

Now, granted, we all know men who are exceptions to this rule. We all know men who we could encounter in the woods and who would be safer than the bear. 

However, we also all know men who are this rule. Who are a danger to women because they feel entitled to whatever they want, and they do not understand the concept of consent. My boys are both under 10 and yet I am already teaching them about consent. Your body is yours, and someone else's body is theirs. If someone doesn’t want to be touched, you don't touch them. If someone doesn’t like what you are doing, you stop doing it. If someone tells you no, you accept it and move on. These are not difficult to grasp.

So why are we not teaching them to our young boys so that they understand these things as men?

We live in a culture that believes too much in the saying, boys will be boys.  We teach boys "men don't cry" and "suck it up and be a man", therefore never allowing them to learn how to communicate their feelings or address them in any kind of healthy manner. We also teach kids that if a boy is mean to a girl or hits her, it’s because he "likes" her, setting up a bad pattern. We shrug our shoulders and shake our heads at a boy's "antics". We look the other way when public figures - even a major political figure - speak about women in gross objectifying terms, or when it comes out they have raped or assaulted women. "Boys will be boys."

The social media phenomenon contributes by producing boys and girls who are sexualized at younger ages than before. Sexting and pornography are common among middle and high school students, whereas personal conversation and connection is not, leading to shallow physical relationships with no substance*. Dating apps often amplify these easy "hook-ups" with no expectation of accountability or relationship.

As a church, we cannot sit back and just shake our heads at the world gone crazy, because we also have contributed to this mess. We treat women as objects when we obsess over how they dress and act, as if their dress and actions cause men to "stumble" and therefore they are to blame for being assaulted. We uphold ancient patriarchal systems and standards. We believe the "men of God" at the expense of their victims. We amplify toxic masculinity and keep it on a pedestal, regardless of how many people it harms.

Our insistence on maintaining these old patriarchal systems through instituting toxic patterns of masculinity is stifling the voices of the women in our churches and the gifts of half of our congregation. Likely over half. But what is it doing to our men?

Not every man is gifted as a leader. Not every man is gifted as a decision-maker. Especially when men are continuingly being raised to believe that boys will be boys and they shouldn't show emotion, it’s difficult for them to control their impulses. They are told to be leaders, without ever being taught how to adequately or appropriately manage their own feelings and behaviors, let alone someone else's. They are pushed into positions of authority they are not prepared for merely because of their gender. This is sexism, too, when someone is elevated to a position because of his genitalia and not because of his talents or giftings or experience, especially if there is a woman who is talented and gifted and experienced but is bypassed because of their genitalia.

Think of all of the stories we have heard of male Christian leaders who have assaulted members of their congregation, had affairs, or otherwise abused their position of power? Or those who have made disparaging and disgraceful comments from the pulpit, comments which support spousal abuse or child abuse or other harmful acts? Not to mention all the pastors who have supported abusive men while figuratively throwing the wives they beat on or cheated on under the bus.

Have you ever considered that when women are choosing the bear, they are choosing the bear over the men in your congregation, too? We're not only choosing the bear over "bad guys", we're choosing the bear over all the unknowns.

I can't even tell you how many times I've been spoken down to, been excluded, or been forgotten about within the church because of my gender. Not to mention, the number of times I've received unwanted touch or attention, even from "good Christian men."

We have to do better.

For our daughters. For our sons.

For our community.

Teach boys and girls safe touch and boundaries. Teach boys and girls how to communicate their feelings in healthy ways and how to control their impulses. Speak about consent and safety from the pulpit. Preach against violence against women from the pulpit (there are plenty of Bible stories to go along with that topic!). Encourage men to check other men when they are making sexist or inappropriate jokes or comments. Invite women into the inner circle. Let women speak! And participate! And be treated as equals and with proper respect.

We are all made in the image of God. Male and female. We were all granted gifts to be used in the Kingdom. Male and female.

Isn't it time we created a world - at least within our churches - where both men and women can feel and be safe? Where women would say, well, out in the world, I would choose the bear, but within my church - I choose the man, because I know these men are my brothers in Christ and they will keep me safe.

It's past time.

What will it take for us to get there?

*I highly recommend the documentary, "Childhood 2.0", available for free to watch in its entirety on YouTube.