Modest, or Respectful?

I managed to put myself in a bit of a bind last week.

I run a book club at work, and a conversation came up which triggered me. We were talking about social media influence on children and youth. I was sharing about the documentary, "Childhood 2.0" (which is excellent and which I think every parent should watch). One of the things it mentions in the film is how social media sets up unhealthy and unrealistic expectations for one’s appearance and self-image. It's a comparison game. It also cheapens relationships and makes people feel connected when they are not.

Somehow, this led to a woman in the group commenting about how she was really strict with her girls on what she allowed them to wear outside of the house. She expressed how important modesty was to her and that she taught her girls how boys are full of hormones and if they see a girl dressed with her tummy showing or what not they may not be able to help themselves.

Well. I triggered on that, and I knew I was triggering on it. I reminded myself, you are the leader of this group. You cannot get dysregulated. You cannot jump down her throat or start a whole debate on this issue. That's not what you're here for. Just keep your mouth shut.

And yet, even with this great advice, I did not listen to myself. 

I tried.

Unsuccessfully.

I started cautiously, noting that I wasn’t a mother of girls but only had boys. I told them how I feel a great burden to produce good men, so since my boys were little, I have been trying to teach them about consent. I have been trying to teach them that if someone doesn’t want to be touched, you don’t touch them. Or if someone doesn’t like what you’re doing, you stop doing it. I teach them to be gentle with me and respectful of my space and my body, because they say that men treat women the way they treat their mothers.

I added, when they get a little bigger and start thinking about girls and dating… I will drill this into their heads even more so. Even if a girl has some skin showing, that is not an invite for you to stare or gawk or touch.  There must always be consent. I finished with, "While I understand teaching our girls to be modest, I think it is also important to teach our boys to be respectful."

Another mom jumped in, stating she agreed with me completely. She had both boys and girls, she shared, and she was not terribly strict with what her girls wore because she felt it was a double standard. She also teaches her kids about consent.

Then, the original commenter stepped back in and said, "I didn't mean to start a whole debate..." And I felt bad, as a leader, for her feeling like we were ganging up on her.   

Here’s the thing, though. I was raised in the purity culture of the Evangelical Church. This culture teaches that the most important thing a girl can do is to keep herself pure so she can present herself clean and white with her virginity intact to her husband on their wedding day. While this is also encouraged for boys, it has much different messaging. The twist is that girls are told that boys are unable to control themselves, so it is up to them to keep not only themselves pure, but the boys, too. Girls are told to do this by dressing modestly and covering themselves and behaving demurely so as not to be mistaken for being overtly flirtatious or sexy. Girls are blamed for boys who "stray" or "sin" because of how they dressed or acted or something they said or where they sat or how they sat... 

Girls are encouraged to wear purity rings and sign pledges that they make with their fathers, because of course, girls belong to their fathers before they belong to husbands, right? Then, when girls do finally get married after saving themselves and being told how sinful sex is, they are expected to, on the flip of coin, turn into a sex kitten in the bedroom who keeps every whim of their husband satisfied because if they don’t do that, if they don’t continue to take care of themselves and look pretty every day and  meet all their husband's sexual needs, then he may fall into the sin of pornography or adultery and that too, would be the woman’s fault.

This is what ran through my mind when this poor woman made an innocent enough comment about wanting her daughters to dress modestly.

It’s not that I don’t necessarily believe it’s good for young girls to be dressing modestly. I do believe it’s improper to dress little children in sexy outfits and encourage sexual behavior. But that is more because sexualizing children invites all kinds of evil. Children should not be sexualized or seen as sexual objects. However, did it ever occur to anyone that if a grown man looks at a seven-year-old in a bikini and thinks sexual thoughts, the problem might be with the grown man, not with the seven-year-old?? After all, women see boys in swim trunks and no shirts all the time, and yet the great majority of us manage not to sexualize them. So maybe the problem is not with what girls wear after all.

Check out this fashion exhibit of what girls were wearing at the time they were sexually assaulted, and tell me how many of these outfits were "immodest" or "inappropriate"... 

Maybe the problem isn't modesty. Maybe the problem is the men.

I hear a lot, "but it's not all men." Yet, it is also true that every woman I know, every woman I have encountered online - Every. Single. One. - has a #metoo story. So, maybe there are a few exceptions out there, but I would say... it's most men. It's the men who harass and sexualize and comment and ogle, it's the men who touch and ask for sexual favors, it's the men who take without consent whatever they want, and it's the men who do and say nothing while their friends, neighbors, co-workers, and family members, do all of the above. 

Oh, well, boys will be boys, right?

Where I live, it is 120 degrees in the summer. If girls want to wear short shorts and crop tops to stay cool, I don’t judge them for that. Girls should be allowed to dress however they want to without being afraid of being assaulted or harassed by a boy.

It’s funny how there are some traditional cultures in other parts of the world where is extremely hot and it is quite normal for both men and women to walk around topless and yet sexual assault is very rare. It's a non-issue. How did we let it become such an issue here?

Socially, we have just accepted this "boys will be boys" mentality and let them get away with these things. It "just happens" but certainly, a woman must've been at fault. Rape victims are constantly blamed for what happens to them, even when they are underage. She must’ve been asking for it. Must’ve been what she was wearing. She enticed him. How was he supposed to resist? He’s just a weak man.

Well, no one says weak, but isn’t that really what they’re saying when they say men can't help themselves? Men are ruled by their hormones? If a woman must behave a certain way in order for men to keep themselves in check, doesn't that make women stronger and more in control of their emotions? According to this theory, men apparently have no self-control whatsoever! 

This "uncontrollable" behavior is so accepted in our country, we even have a presidential candidate who has been convicted of sexual harassment and assault, yet is still not only in the running for president but may actually win - which is an incredible insult to every woman everywhere, but especially those of the #metoo movement who see men getting away with this kind of behavior all the time*. 

Maybe I can't change the system. I can cast my vote against a convicted rapist. I can spread my words to the 30-something people who read them. I can do my best to raise up good, respectful men.

But ultimately, change like this takes all of us.

If you are of the male persuasion and you made it with me to the end of this post, what are you doing? What are you doing to stand up for women? Are you confronting the men in your life when they objectify or sexualize women? When they tell jokes about women "sleeping the way to the top" (which means there were men who required sexual favors of them, why don't we talk about that??) or otherwise demeaning them?

If we want this to change, we have to change the entire culture of accepting "boys will be boys" and instead, holding boys - and men - accountable for their behavior.

If you are a woman - let me say this: I had to un-friend someone on Facebook the other day because of an extremely hateful and sexist post she shared on her feed about Kamala Harris. It wasn't that she insulted VP Harris. It was that she was willing to say such a thing of any woman. We deal with enough harassment from men! Let's not turn on each other, too.

Men and women. Gay and straight. Black and white. Right and left. We are ALL children of God, deserving of love and respect.

We can do better.

We MUST do better.

* I highly recommend the new documentary, "For Our Daughters".